


the awful weight of what almost was

by trvshmouths



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Canon Compliant, IT SAYS RIGHT THERE THERES A DEATH SO STOP YELLING AT ME, M/M, Reunion Sex, idk how else to tag this, this really was just meant to be happy and smutty and then i kinda fucked that up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 07:07:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trvshmouths/pseuds/trvshmouths
Summary: "Neither of us want to be here.""You trying to get me to run away with you or something?" Richie teases. "I'm flattered, Eds, but your mom would be devastated if I took off with someone-""Do you ever shut the fuck up?!"// Set towards the start of the Losers' reunion. Richie can't sleep. Neither can Eddie.





	the awful weight of what almost was

**Author's Note:**

> okay so I haven't written fic in nearly a year now and it's my first go at IT fic, so be gentle?

27 years of slow forgetting, his memories get foggier and foggier over time, and it only took a second for all the feelings Richie hadn't been able to remember to bubble right back to the surface. Eddie had always come naturally to him, and once he remembered that - _them_, it didn't surprise him at all how he was feeling, or how well they clicked. 

Bickering over dinner had made him feel like he was a kid again, saying and doing anything he could to make Eddie laugh or make him want to argue. Anything that got his attention. Making fun of his job. Making mom jokes. Challenging him to an arm wrestling contest just to hold his hand. Only a few hours of being reunited and he already could hardly go a minute without somehow mentioning or interacting with _Eddie, Eddie, Eddie_. Even with everything surrounding them, it's a constant on his brain.

"You two haven't changed at all," Bev remarks later that night. He can't tell if she's amused or annoyed by them. He doesn't think he cares either way, already trying to climb onto Eddie's back for a piggyback ride. 

("You're too tall, I can't carry you!"

"I thought you were average height, Eduardo!" 

"I am, you fucking giant! Fuck off!")

It's nice seeing him. More than nice. Relieving to be with his losers again, he'd meant that. But like fuck if he's sticking around to get killed by a clown. That really put a damper on his whole night.

* * *

So, ultimately, he decides to stick around. 

Mike and Bill are pretty convincing, and Eddie said he would stay the night, so. 

Yeah, fine, Richie can hear Mike out and stay a night, whatever. If everyone else is gonna stay, he will, too. He'll do it for Mike. So they can all venture out and try to remember. Whatever the fuck they're supposed to remember. He remembers that goddamn clown. He remembers the Loser's Club. He feels pretty caught up - but he trusts Mike, and he trusts Bill. And one thing seemed to remain true - they'd all still follow Bill anywhere. 

The sun is coming up in a few hours and they all agreed to head out first thing in the morning.

"We should try to rest some while we can," Ben suggested, to which Richie had snorted.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna get a real peaceful sleep tonight," he'd said before turning to stomp up the stairs. 

He lays down but keeps his clothes on, keeps the lights on. Call him a baby, call him a coward, he didn't care. He was all those things. Anyone in the losers' shoes would be. His eyes are heavy and burning from lack of sleep but every time he closes them for more than a second, he sees all those images he'd been happy forgetting about, and new ones. Ones of Stan. 

He knows he hadn't seen him in years, and hadn't even remembered him until that night, but man... he'd miss him. He'd been his friend before any of the other's and that wasn't a loss he knew how to process. Not right now. Probably not ever.

When his door opens without warning, pulling him from his painful visions, he shoots up - immediately on alert, heart racing. Instead of a killer clown or some other twisted projection standing there, it's Eddie. Eddie has one hand still on the door, the other up in defense. 

"Sorry, sorry," he says, hovering in the doorway still. Richie waves him in and he steps inside, quietly closing the door behind him. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I saw your light -"

"You didn't," Richie tells him. "Wake me, I mean. How the fuck could I sleep tonight?" 

Eddie nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Yeah. I can't either. I don't want to even try. I saw your light and thought I'd come see if you were awake, too. Or gone."

"Gone?" 

Eddie comes closer, making himself comfortable at the end of Richie's bed without invitation. "Neither of us want to be here." 

He's not wrong. They'd both tried to bail earlier. He's still considering bailing tomorrow. But Richie doesn't want to talk about how scared shitless he is, or how he wants to leave even if it meant ditching the others. What he wants is to play catch up on all the years he'd lost with Eddie, but that doesn't feel like an option either. 

Even now, he was trying to repress and ignore all the feelings he had for the man in front of him. The feelings for Eddie weren't the only thing that came back, so did all the feelings that came along with it. The fear of being gay, the fear of being rejected by his best friend, the fear of being found out and outed. So much fucking fear it was exhausting. 

So he wasn't honest, about anything. Instead he did what he did best. 

"You trying to get me to run away with you or something?" Richie teases. "I'm flattered, Eds, but your mom would be devastated if I took off with someone-"

"Do you ever shut the fuck up?!"

"I shut up when your mom-"

"I don't even want to hear the rest of that sentence! You know my mom passed, Richie!"

Richie scrunches up his face. "Way to make it fucking uncomfortable, Eds." 

"I didn't! You did!"

"Doesn't sound like me," Richie shakes his head. Eddie glowers at him and a silence fell over them for a moment. When Richie spoke up again, his voice was softer. "Sorry about your mom, Eddie." 

Eddie gives a half smile and nods. "It's been a few years. But, thanks, Rich."

"It's weird... how much shit we've missed," Richie muses out loud. "Like, you lost your mom. You all got married." 

"You got big and famous." 

He snorts and keeps talking. "That's shit we should have been there for, you know?" 

"You wish you could have come to my wedding?" Eddie asks and Richie visibly grimaces. "Asshole, you can just say no." 

"No, fuck off, of course I'd have gone. It's just shocking that someone agreed to marry you. You sure it's not some elaborate prank?"

Eddie shoves him and Richie shoves him back, laughing. 

"You can come crying to daddy when the truth is revealed, it's okay," Richie says.

"I-" He doesn't miss the way Eddie's face blushes bright pink as he tries to speak. "Did you just call yourself daddy?" 

"Don't make it fucking weird. Daddy. Because I'm fucking your mom." 

"You're well aware she's deceased so those jokes are just weird now, I don't know how many times I need to tell you." 

"At least 7, probably." 

"Oh, fuck you."

"Fuck me yourself, you coward."

They both go quiet. 

Well.

He hadn't meant to say _that_. 

His mind is moving rapidly, trying to think of how to recover from that, how to backtrack. _Quick_, he tells himself, _make a mom joke now_. Thank fuck Eddie is speaking before Richie has a chance. 

"You really haven't changed at all, Richie." It shouldn't be a compliment given how much shit Richie gets sometimes, but Eddie's smiling. Looks... fond, almost. 

He still has to ask. "Is that a bad thing or good thing?"

Eddie chuckles. "Depends... Mostly good though. I've missed you."

"Bullshit, you forgot I existed." 

"Yeah, not on purpose. I remember you now. It's actually kinda funny-" He laughs, but it's a nervous laugh, and he fidgets on the bed a little. Richie stretches his leg out just enough so their knees can bump. Eddie stills instantly. "I'm pretty sure you were like, my first crush as a kid, and I can't believe that's something someone can just... forget." 

Richie can't believe what he's hearing. Can only mutter a breathless, "What the fuck?" He almost wonders if this is the real Eddie or some way that It is fucking with him. It wouldn't be the first time he'd used his weakness for Eddie to lure him into danger. "Are you for real?" 

"Yeah, for real," Eddie laughs again but it sounds forced. Like Richie's reaction wasn't exactly what he wanted and now he's only laughing to try to keep things light. "I don't know why I'm telling you now. It just kind of, hit me when you walked into the restaurant tonight. I just remembered how much I used to like you. It all just... came back."

"Oh."

"Yeah." 

Richie knows he should say more - and god does he have a lot to say. But he's still afraid to say it. There's never been a better opportunity to tell Eddie how he feels than right now and he's choking. He wants this, so much it hurts, and for the first time in his life he's speechless. 

In front of him, Eddie is visibly regretting saying too much, face almost pained as he waits for Richie to give him _anything_. 

"Should I not have said-"

Richie shuts him up with a kiss, leaning in a little too quick and too hard and smacking their lips together almost painfully. But he's afraid if he doesn't do it right then and now, he never would. He can't find the words, but hopefully this says more than he ever could. 

It's almost chaste, just his lips on Eddie's, testing his limits. He pulls away and neither of them say anything. Eddie's kind of not reacting at all, which Richie doesn't take as a good sign. He's suddenly terrified he misread all of that. Maybe Eddie had had a small crush on him when they were twelve, but why the fuck would he think that's lasted? God, he's an idiot. 

"Shit, should I not have -"

He's on his back before he knows what's happening, Eddie's weight on top of him and they're kissing again. Really kissing this time, hungry and eager and needy. 

Simultaneously, their hands began roaming, fingers tugging at clothes. Only breaking apart to remove shirts and jackets. Richie pushes at Eddie's chest until he takes the hint and flips over onto his back, letting Richie make himself comfortable in between his legs. Looking down at his fingers as they work at Eddie's belt, he sees them steady and quick. His hands aren't as shaky as he thought they'd be.

He gets nervous, sometimes, when he lets himself give in and be intimate with someone. He's surprised it's not worse with Eddie, someone he actually likes. _Loves_. Someone he wants to really be good for and make happy. But instead, there's just comfort and familiarity. No pressure.

Eddie laughs when his pants get stuck around his knees and Richie throws a sock at him, making him squeak. They're still them. Richie's just getting to _touch_ now.

And touch he does. 

Eddie gasps when Richie takes him into his mouth and it's probably the best sound Richie has ever heard. If he's trying to be quiet for the sake of their friends, he's failing. At first it's just strangled moans and breathy whispers telling Richie how good his mouth feels, but once he starts stammering about how close he is, he gets increasingly louder. And when Richie stops, lips dragging off of his length with an obscene pop, he thinks Eddie is actually going to scream. 

"Richie, why the fuck did you stop?" The genuine frustration on his face is cute. 

Richie laughs against his mouth, kissing him long and deep. "Turn over," he muttered. 

When they finally break apart again, Eddie does just that, rolling onto his stomach. Richie moves down his body again and moments later is met with another sharp gasp, one that quickly dissolves into a long moan as Richie's tongue teases his entrance. 

"Oh, shit-" Eddie's face presses into the pillow, hips raising when Richie pauses for a second to try and read Eddie's reaction. His voice is muffled when he continues. "Fuck. That- That's new." 

"Good new?" Richie asks. 

"Great new." 

When Eddie is lifting his hips and rutting against the bed, urging Richie's tongue further into him and grinding his aching cock into the mattress, Richie stops again. He doesn't stop himself from laughing when Eddie whines. Richie gets up to get the lube and a condom he had stuffed in his bag still, left there from when he'd traveled for a recent show and thought _maybe_. 

("Did you just bring that hoping to get lucky?" 

"Absolutely not. Trust me, this is just a blessed coincidence.")

He sheds himself of his own jeans and boxers before getting back between Eddie's legs. Once he has his fingers slicked up, he starts pushing them in and out of Eddie. He's slow and cautious, the last thing he wants to do is hurt Eddie, but Eddie's reacting as if he's been waiting for Richie's tough his entire life - hell, maybe they both had been - and it was the best thing he'd ever felt. Two fingers become three and Richie pushes in deeper. When Eddie's hips twitch and he shouts out under him, he nearly jumps. 

"Fuck, right there," Eddie grunts, and Richie doesn't need to be told twice. He keeps thrusting his digits into him, wrist snapping quickly, aiming for that one spot over and over. He's making Eddie have to bite into the pillow to stop from screaming, and he feels a little smug about that. A little proud. 

Eddie whispers, "God, Richie, fuck me already," and Richie's not hesitating to pull his fingers out of him and reach for the condom. Protected and coated in lube, he presses into him. Even properly stretched and opened up, he's so tight and Richie genuinely thinks he's going to cum embarrassingly soon. He fills him entirely, each inch pushing into Eddie, making them both groan. Richie's hands grasp Eddie's hips, taking a moment to appreciate the view in front of him before starting to move. He starts gentle, finding a consistent rhythm, fucking him slow and deep - but he needs so much more. 

"Eddie, can I-" 

He doesn't even need to finish that thought before Eddie's pushing back against him, moaning, "_Please_." 

Richie snaps his hips against his ass, harder and quicker, earning an appreciative chorus of moans from Eddie. He pins the smaller boy down, chest pressed flush to his back as he pounds into him, groaning into his ear, letting him hear each breathy moan and grunt he was the cause of. 

"Richie, don't stop," Eddie gasps - which, he definitely wasn't, but considering he had stopped moments before Eddie had cum twice already, he understands why he says it. "Make me cum, please." 

At that point, Richie can't even dream of stopping. Not when he's so close himself. He feels and hears rather than sees Eddie cum just moments later, tensing and jerking and moaning under him. A few rough, borderline sloppy, thrusts later - just needing to _get there_ at this point - and Richie is spilling into his condom. His hips stutter as he cums, slowing before pausing completely.

When he's disposed of the condom and the two are laying there in bed, Richie rolls onto his side and scoots until he's pressed to Eddie's side. Eddie's arm fits perfectly around his shoulders, and Richie likes hearing his heart rate slowly return to normal as he lays on his chest. 

He feels like he's dreamed of moments like this, even though he knows that's a dumb thought. 

"Do you think we'll forget again?" Eddie asks after a few minutes. "It'd be a shame to forget... after this."

Richie doesn't know the answer to that, but he knows he agrees. This is a moment he wants to hold onto forever, no matter what happens with them in the end. If they kill It this time, really kill It, maybe they'll remember this time. Or maybe if they don't leave Derry. Or don't leave each other. He can't pretend to know the science behind it or the history behind it like Mike and Ben do, but he knows what he wants.

"We'll just have to stay together so we won't have the chance to forget." 

Eddie laughs. "Okay. Deal." 

"Deal."

He has so much more he wants to say to him. He wants him to know how in love with him he's always been. Even when he had forgotten, there was an emptiness inside of him that no one else had been able to fill, because it was only Eddie. It'd always only ever been Eddie. But he can glance up and see his eyes closing, he can feel his breathing becoming more steady and he doesn't want to prevent him from finally sleeping. Richie still can't, but he's fine with that. More than content to lay there and just be with Eddie. 

But 24 hours later, when he's watching as Eddie is buried underneath the Neibolt house, he wishes he'd said so much more, and wishes they'd had so much more time.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on tumblr @ https://haderenthusiast.tumblr.com/


End file.
